Saturday, January 11, 2014

Reconnecting and Catch Up

Hi.  It's been two months.  Are you still there, all 5 of my readers?  I'm guessing not.  But that's okay.  I've missed writing in this space, and one of my many intentions for 2014 is to get a rhythm and flow into this blog so that I'm updating it at least a few times per month.  But I'm not gonna lie - it's been a tough balance with full time + motherhood and wifehood, part time working, and carving out small spaces of time for myself. 

I write today from my favorite neighborhood spot, having just finished my first real yoga class in months.  Bliss. 

But it's taken a long time to get here. 

November started off with Liam's 1 year birthday party, and rounded into December with each of us taking turns getting a yucky head cold virus thing that I hope we never have to meet again.  Then, Thanksgiving.  Then a visit from the BFF for our Annual Christmas Tea (not to be missed!)  Then Christmas Craziness.  And then we traveled to the Left Coast (aka best coast) to introduce Liam to some extended family.  All wonderful things (except that cold), that left me with 0 time to invest anywhere else.

And I had a few breakdowns about it.  I don't do well when I can't do yoga.  Or write.  Or have any time to myself.  I love experiencing everything that life has to offer.  (Remember, I'm a Sanguine!)  But I also have very introverted qualities in that I regain energy by being by myself. 

So, here we are.  Just beginning the adventures that 2014 will bring.  My husband and I are working on shifting a few things around so that we can regain the space that we both need.  For example, I'm taking my Saturday mornings back.  When I first started working, I felt selfish being gone from the house, PLUS taking Saturday mornings to do yoga or work on something for myself.  Not anymore. 

My husband switched his gym membership to a gym closer to his office so he could work out right before or after work, and still make it home by 7pm for the Liam bed time routine. We'll see how it continues to go and make adjustments as needed. 

For now, I'm glad to be back, sharing things that I find interesting, writing about what I want to remember, and reflecting on life with a 1-year old. 

New Years Day Sunset on Meditation Mount, Ojai, CA




Tuesday, November 5, 2013

A Curved Path


I have hemmed and hawed over whether I wanted to share this bit of news online.  But, I have always said that I feel like it's important to have access to a community (online or in person) when you're going through a challenging medical journey.  And scoliosis is just that - a lifelong journey.  

I was diagnosed with scoliosis when I was 14; a freshman in high school.  We had just moved to a new area and I was in a new school.  I decided to try out for the track team, as a way to perhaps make a few friends and learn more about running, an activity I enjoyed.  At the required physical before officially joining the team, my doctor said something along the lines of "Okay, you look great, let me just do a quick scoliosis check before you go."  In my mind, I remember thinking, "Oh, right, no big deal."  I'll never forget what happened next.  I bent over slightly so my doctor could get a good look at my back.  There was a long silence.  And then she said, "You have a definite curve, and you're going to need to see an orthopedist."  

I still ran on the track team.  But what followed that initial visit to my general practitioner, was years of x-rays and visits to specialists who told my family that I was on the cusp of having major spinal surgery.  My curve measured, at it's worst, 41 degrees.  The only way to avoid surgery, they said, was to wear a full body brace 24/7.  I could take it off to swim and to shower.  But other than that, I would be in that brace for much of my adolescent years in high school.  I had to buy all new clothes so my pants would fit over the brace.  And I wore sweatshirts to school every day, no matter the weather, so no one would be able to see the bulges of the brace underneath tighter shirts.  I tried not to let my scoliosis define my high school experience, but in many ways, it did.  

Finally, by my senior year, my doctor said that my growth rate and bone maturity had slowed down.  I could stop wearing the brace during the day, and just wear it at night until I turned 18.  By college, that brace and I officially broke our long term relationship.  I remember feeling so free.  And I had avoided surgery thus far.

In college, I started practicing yoga, and learning various stretches and methods to mitigate my pain.  I continued going back to my orthopedist once every year or so, so he could check on my spine.  Luckily, it never got worse.  My last visit to my orthopedist was in 2009.  I had been out of the brace for 10 years.  In my doctor's opinion, he didn't think my curve would progress.  But he also didn't think it would get any better.  

Throughout my 20s, I continued practicing yoga and doing what I could to stay in shape.  I also decided to try out the alternative care provider route, and made my rounds to see chiropractors, myofascial release physical therapists, and a rolfer.  Each of these individuals, in combination with the yoga, helped me to understand the structure of my body, and how to work with my imbalances.  

I also sought out yoga practitioners that specialized in yoga for scoliosis.  Every time Elise Miller Browning came to my area, I signed up for her weekend workshop.  I did the same weekend workshop each year, and learned something new every time.  A few years ago, Elise talked about when she was able to get the most correction out of her spine.  It had been when she was pregnant.  Pregnancy hormones loosen up all the joints in a woman's body to prepare for labor and birth.  So, it's an optimal time to really do some serious body work!  

When it was my turn to get pregnant last year, I had Elise's words in the back of my mind.  I also knew that if I wasn't careful, my spine could get worse during pregnancy, and I would likely end up with surgery.  While pregnant with Liam last year, all I did was work, prepare for his arrival, and practice yoga.  I also regularly saw a chiropractor who specialized in prenatal care.  I didn't know how my back would fare, but I knew that I had to do everything I could do take care of it. 

Flash forward to this past summer.  I talked with my chiropractor, and we decided it made sense for me to get an x-ray.  She didn't pressure the issue, but wrote me the prescription to get it done whenever I felt ready.  I was nervous.  What if it had gotten worse?  So much hinged on this x-ray for me. We're not sure if we're going to have another baby or not, but if my curve did progress with the first pregnancy, I didn't think a second pregnancy would be a good idea. I also knew that I would want to do every alternative modality I could before agreeing to a surgery.  And that is a huge money and time commitment.  Nevermind the fact that the surgery is a year long recovery before you're back to normal.  

But, a few weeks ago, I gathered up my courage, took an hour off work, and marched myself into the radiology center.  I'd slacked on my yoga lately, so I had no idea what the x-ray would show.  It was all over within a few minutes, and as I was putting my shoes on to leave the room, I glanced up at the screen the technician was looking at, where I saw the images I'm posting here.  Granted, there's still a definite curve.  But, in my mind, it looked better from where it was at 4 years ago.  "No, it's just my imagination," I told myself.  

Two days later, in my chiropractor's office, reading the results, we discovered that my curve had IMPROVED by 10 degrees.  I'm happy to say that I'm currently off the surgery track, measuring at a 29 degree curve.  Pregnancy was a gift, in many ways.  It allowed me to work in a dedicated way to achieve a bit of correction.  I still will need to have a lifelong commitment to staying active and maintaining my strength.  But, to have what has felt like a 15 year weight lifted off my shoulder, is such a freeing feeling.  

So, I wanted to share, partly because it's such a big development in my life.  But also because every doctor I've been to in the past 15 years has told me that scoliosis correction is rarely possible once you enter adulthood.  I think my moderate success goes to show how little we really understand about the human body. 

This was also an exercise in letting go for me.  Except for the last year, where my main priorities have really fallen into the category of baby care, I have been extremely dedicated to my yoga practice and had done everything I could to prevent my spine progression.  I can't control the outcome of anything.  But I can control my response and reaction to it.   





Friday, November 1, 2013

11 Months With Liam

I can't believe that in just two short weeks, we'll be blowing out candles and singing Happy Birthday to our little 1 year old.  This day last year was my first official day of maternity leave.  I spent the next two weeks waiting.  And waiting.  And waiting.  This year, I'm hoping these two weeks go by slowly.  I plan to savor and soak up as I can from this first year.

Favorite moments of 11 months so far:


  • Communicating with you via mimicry.  I copy your movements and hand gestures, and you laugh and laugh.
  • Watching you play with your Daddy while he (attempts) to exercise on the floor.
  • Seeing you in your owl costume for Halloween, and watching you run around our local fall festival, putting your hands in other kid's Halloween bowls to see what they had in there. 
  • Taking you to your first pumpkin patch and watching your face light up in the vicinity of goats, chickens, and all the activity.
  • Holding you and singing to you in the moments right before I lay you down in your crib for a nap.  
  • Dance parties for three!  (Daddy, you, and me)
  • Seeing you begin to express your preferences (shaking head no, reaching, pointing) 
  • Our weekend morning routine.  Daddy brings you into our bed when you wake up, and we nurse, play, and ease into the day together.
  • Hearing your little laugh.  You love to chuckle at things you see when we're out and about.  For example, you've recently started laughing when you see another baby nursing.  I don't know why you think this is so funny, but I love that you think it's funny.  

Your favorite things:

  • Throwing toys and any other item into the bath tub.  (the other day I showered with a plastic egg, bath toys, a plastic cup, and the remote control to our fan - oops on that last one!)
  • Having the freedom to walk and run around.
  • Music!  You love everything from classical guitar to Daft Punk.  Daft Punk has been known to bring you out of a big meltdown.
  • Playing in sand boxes.
  • Playing with water.  A bowl of water and a few toys brings a lot of entertainment now (and a big mess).
  • Opening and closing drawers and cabinets.  
  • Storing random items in drawers. 
  • Banging items on the wall and/or window to see what the noise sounds like. 
  • Monkey on the back!  (You come around to my back, and ask to be lifted up.  We ride around the house and take a tour of everything on the wall)
  • Touching items on high shelves.  
  • To say "touch" from sun up to sun down.  You say "touch" when you pick something up, or when you pick up your food, or when you touch something you're interested in. It's basically a constant expression of "touch, touch, touch" all day long. 

Friday, October 25, 2013

A Visit to the Pumpkin Patch

Holidays and festivals with babies and kids seem so much more exciting this year.  I've always loved the holiday season, but in years past it's seemed frantic and I never made it a priority to go to the little neighborhood or community celebrations in our neck of the woods.  This year with a baby, it's different.

Last weekend my Mom and I took Liam to Ticonderoga Farms - a true gem that I'm grateful to have discovered.  Unlike many of the other (hyped up) pumpkin farms and fall festivals around here, Ticonderoga seems to be a little known secret with many hidden treasures.  The farm owners kept much of the natural landscape of the place, and the whole outdoor space was well thought out and intentional.  We'll definitely be back next year, and shh...don't tell anyone else about this place.  It wasn't crowded, and it needs to stay that way! 


























Monday, October 14, 2013

10 Months with Liam

Considering Liam is turning 11 months tomorrow, I'm clearly weeks behind with this post.  But, the words for this one have been swirling around in my head, and there's so much I feel needs to be captured.  There's been an explosion of development, personality, and laughs going on over here, and my busy mind has wanted to remember it all.  My going back to work has really thrown off our routine, and I'm still trying to capture some sense of normalcy.  Needless to say, I never managed to take any photos worth sharing this month, but thank goodness the husband was inspired this morning, and took the few I'm sharing here.  It was right after breakfast, Liam was still in his pajamas, I was in the shower, and the morning light was so lovely on this Columbus Day holiday.

Growth and Appearance

You measure over 20 lbs now!  I'm not sure how long you are, but you seem very tall to me.  You have 7 teeth.

Eating
Your favorite foods are still anything sweet (blueberries, apple sauce).  We can also add bread to the top of the list.  You eat three solid meals a day, plus some snacks.  We're working on reducing your breast feeding sessions from between 6-8 to anywhere from 4-6 times per day.  Right now, we BF when you wake up anywhere between 6 - 7:30am, and then again before your morning nap at 9:30am.  Then you nurse before your afternoon nap, sometimes before dinner, and always before bed. 

You love eating off of anyone's plate but your own.  Even if I take the food from your tray, put it on my plate, and then give it back to you, that is somehow preferred to the food only residing on your tray.  We know you're finished when you start dropping your bowl, spoon, and pieces of food on the floor.

Sleeping
You take two 1-2.5 hour naps per day (typically around 9/9:30 and 2/2:30pm), and go to sleep for the night at around 7:30 or 8:30.  You're usually waking up somewhere between 4 - 6:30am, and I'm still trying to figure out if it's because you're hungry, or you just can't get back to sleep by yourself.  If I nurse you in the early morning hours, you sleep until around 7:30am and I usually have to wake you up.  I'm so grateful that this section of your monthly updates is so much shorter than it has been in the past.  Sleep maturity!!!


Development
The big news of the month is...you're walking!  You took your first steps the day before your 10 month mark, and you've been practicing ever since.  We're now at the stage where we have to put shoes on you when we go out!  You love pointing at things, and we talk all about the things you're pointing at.  Usually you want to touch whatever you're pointing at.  Many times, the thing you want to touch is way up high, and there's no way I can lift you up there to explore.  I love that you have this sense of wonder that you can touch anything you can see.  And I'm sad that we're grounded so you can't get everywhere you want to go.

You love to tease.  The other day you were crawling for our kitchen cabinets (where you're not supposed to be), and I chased after you to drag you back into the living room.  You laughed and laughed, and it became a game for us.  You would crawl away, I would grab hold of your ankles and tickle you, and you would laugh.

My favorite moments are on weekend mornings, when we're all sleeping in.  We usually bring you into our bed once you're awake, and we nurse, laugh, cuddle, and let you touch as many things as you can see around us.

Language
Your first word (other than dada or mama), surprise surprise, is touch.  You usually say it when you're reaching out to explore something, so we're pretty sure you know what it means.   You have a book called "My First Words", and it's recently become one of your favorites.  Before naps and bed time, you always want to spend a few minutes studying that book.  You point to different pictures and I tell you what they are. 

You have many little conversations with yourself, and I love listening to your babble.

One of the most exciting things (to me) that you've been doing is singing little songs.  You sing this one song that is a repeat of A flat to D flat (I know because I matched the notes on my flute).  This is so amazing to me, because you're singing a 5th interval.  It's always the same notes; always the same interval. 

Favorites
All of your favorites are pretty much the same as they've been the past couple months.  You love playing games, and one of your new obsessions is to crawl onto my or Daddy's back and ride around the house.  We call this "Monkey on the back".  You love anything with buttons.  Anything that lights up.  Anything in the cupboards (which are now locked up, thank goodness!)  And you love exploring.  You're usually very timid when we walk into a new place or situation.  But, once you have observed your surroundings for a bit, you'll jump right in and crawl/walk as much as you can.   And dancing!  You have one or two musical toys that you will dance along to.

It has been such a joy to be your Mommy for ten (almost eleven!) months, Liam.  I can't believe I'll be writing your 1 year post in just 1 short month.  It's flying by.  And we've barely even begun. 








Lessons Learned from a Quiet Space

My 9 months of time off with Liam was precious.  We had nine lovely months together where my attention was directed on him and our home.  While he napped, I would tackle small projects around the house, but never took on anything large or overwhelming.  I couldn't always get meals on the table each night, but our house was relatively clean.  My weekly rhythm went like this:

  • Mondays:  Laundry while working on a photo or computer project
  • Tuesdays:  Alternate cleaning the front or back of the house while listening to favorite radio shows
  • Wednesdays:  Day off to rest
  • Thursdays:  Laundry
  • Fridays:  Day off to rest

Sometimes on Wednesdays or Fridays I would cook, but other times I would read, knit, or catch up on a television program.  

This rhythm really settled into place once Liam started extending his naps, giving me a bit more time to actually get into a project.  When Liam was up, we usually had a weekly class we were attending, and we often met friends at the park or for lunch.  

I also learned some really lovely and surprising lessons during my time at home, which made this time such a gift.

Lessons learned:
  • How simple a day can be, yet still feel so accomplished.  A walk, a nap, and food preparation is enough.  
  • I don't need to schedule our entire week or feel afraid of an empty event calendar looming ahead of us.  I can choose to be grateful for the time and space.
  • I learned about myself as a friend, as I made many new friends in the Mommy sphere.  
  • I learned to forgive, chill out, take things less seriously, give up some control, and let a day unfold as it will.
  • I learned to love more deeply than I ever though I could, and give more of myself than I thought I had.
  • Everything I need is around me and within me at all times.  There's a peace that comes with that.
  • I learned how to be patient, how to calm Liam, and remain calm, centered, and present even if there is chaos around us.  
  • I am still learning how to take care of myself so that I can give to others

I miss these days.  The last month and a half has been a whirlwind.  But I've organized my work schedule so that I'm off on Fridays, and I try to reconnect to that feeling of calm and peace.  This past Friday was just that.  It had been raining nonstop for days, and there was really no reason to leave the house.  Liam and I played, relaxed, and cooked together.  I worked on projects and cleaned up a bit around the house while he napped.  We don't have a full week of endless time anymore to spread chores out, but at least we have this every Friday to exhale a bit.  I'm grateful for that. 

Friday, September 13, 2013

Some Exciting News


We recently made a big decision and I've decided to go back to work part time.  It's been an adjustment, and two weeks in, we have a new rhythm that I'm still settling into.  Even though I'm only contracted for part time hours and my job allows for some wonderful flexibility, my energy level at the end of the week is nearly depleted, and I've been finding myself spending my Fridays off napping and lounging while Liam naps.  My house is a mess, I have a whole collection of unfinished projects, and right now I'm struggling to balance work, time with Liam, time with my husband, and time to myself.  However, I made the decision to start working again for a few reasons:

  • I love my work, and it's an extension of myself that I didn't want to lose a connection to.  Working with nonprofit organizations is such a joy for me, and I wanted to continue developing my skills.  
  • I wanted to continue building my resume.  I knew the longer I was out of the professional work force, the harder it would be for me to get back into it when I was completely ready.  
  • I didn't look very hard for a new position this year, but thought a lot about what I would want if I did decide to go back to work.  This position hits everything on my wish list, and felt too awesome to pass up.  I love my new colleagues and have been enjoying the new challenges.  
But, it's been an adjustment for both Liam and myself.  I work from home half the time, and even though I only have to leave the house for 5-6 hours at a time, I've had some mini breakdowns about it.  It's hard for me to let go and allow someone else to put Liam down for a nap, feed him his lunch, and take him to a music class.  

They say it gets easier with time.  I hope.  

I've always had such respect for women who work full time and balance motherhood.  I truly don't know how they do it.  And I also have a newfound respect for women who stay home full time.  I'm not completely sure how they do it, either, although I was home for Liam's first 9 months.  For myself, I feel like I want the best of both worlds.  I'm grateful that I have a choice.  And I bow to honor every woman out there, no matter what choices they make for themselves and their families.