Endings and New Beginnings

Today was our last Parent-Infant class at our local Waldorf school.  It was such a joyful class to be in, and one that both Liam and I looked forward to each week.  I'm sad it's over!  There were two other moms and babies in the class, and it was led by a wonderful teacher.  We spent time each class observing our babies in silence, and watching how they interacted with each other and the various toys scattered about the floor.  Over 2 months, we witnessed each of our children tackle various challenges, explore their surroundings, and sometimes even crawl over one another as they moved about the floor.  And each of us moms learned from one another, shared resources, and made plans to continue getting together now that class is over. 

The class lay a foundation for how I hope to continue interacting with Liam.  I want to always be there to support, guide, and comfort him when he needs it.  But I also want him to learn how to overcome his challenges on his own.  If there is a toy that he wants that's just out of his reach, is he able to figure out a way to get to it without me interfering?  (He's rolling and moving a bit, but not crawling yet!)

When we first came home from the hospital, I honestly did not know how to interact with a baby.  I felt like I had to entertain him constantly when he was awake, and I put a lot of pressure on myself.  Recently I came across a video I took of Liam when he was about 6 weeks old.  I was blabbing to him in the background, but when you look at his face and eyes, you can see how disconnected and tired he was.  He just wanted to go to sleep and I was sitting there holding toys in front of him trying to engage him.

Now when I'm with Liam, I sit with him in silence for a while and just observe him.  I watch how he plays with his toys and how he moves about the room.  Today I watched him as he picked up a toy with his feet and passed it to his hands.  Brilliant!  My engagement with him is led by him.  If he's in the middle of independently doing something, I don't get involved.  Occasionally he'll look over at me, or he'll roll closer to my feet, or look like he wants to be picked up.  I know when he's tired by watching his eyes, and we immediately start our nap routine.  Sleep is another issue (and another post) that we're still working on, but I'm confident that we'll get there. 

I'm fully present when I'm with Liam, and it feels a bit like a meditation.  It's the simplest way to be.  Instead of feeling pressured to entertain him, I'm awed by all that he is discovering on his own.  I also don't feel guilty when I need to get up and work on something else.  Liam is comfortable being by himself for short periods of time, so I'll often leave him in a safe space (that's in hearing and visual distance of me) with his toys while I do laundry, send emails, or prepare a meal.  We've developed a balance that serves both of us, and one that I hope will be the foundation for our lives together.

I'm so grateful to the friends we've met and teachers we've had the joy of learning from.  New motherhood is filled with uncertainty, doubt, and sometimes even regret.  I still have those moments.  And I'm grateful that I have a foundation and plenty of resources to ground me when I get caught spinning thoughts and worries in my head.